Starships were meant to fly

Quitting smoking. Fucking doing it. For real, bitchez.

You've tried so many times before; why would you succeed this time?

I started smoking when I was 13. I was fat and seeing as I (and society at large) look down upon fat people, I needed to do something about it. I had always heard a certain somebody close to me saying that smoking kept her from gaining weight and that the main reason she didn't want to quit smoking was because she was afraid of gaining weight. Thinking back, this certain somebody has always been good at rationalising undesirable behaviours and beliefs (think: Christianity). Anyway, so I started smoking and guess what – I quickly began to lose weight. Oh my god, this is the SHIT! It really works! I was besides myself. So besides myself that I gave smoking – and not the fact that I simultaneously became anorexic and stopped eating – all the credit for my weight loss.

There's no such thing as being too skinny or smoking too much – Kate Moss

So, I was hooked. I loved smoking. I f-ing adored it! It was a match made in heaven with reverend Devil and the evil tobacco companies as my bridesmaids. Back then I used to smoke a couple of cigarettes a week. Before I knew it I stopped stealing cigarettes from ... and started buying my own. The more I smoked, the more I liked it and nothing could convince me to quit. I even used to say that if my wife (ehrm?) quit smoking while she was pregnant (dubble-ehrm – I fucking loathe kids), I would divorce her. Ha. I always have been a bit extreme.

Anyway, my history as a smoker is pretty boring and as I don't do boring, I'm skipping ahead. One day when I was about 21 I decided that enough was enough – it was time to rid myself of nicotine addiction. I found this book called "A happy non-smoker – the easy way to quit" by Allen Carr. It was amazing; truly brilliant. After finishing the book I quit. I went from 2 packs of cigarettes (that's 40 cigarettes a day!) to zero instantly and it was easy as primal cake made with coconut flour. Ha! All the people who can't quit smoking are idiots, I quietly thought to myself. Well, I might have said it out loud to some particularly idiotic people as well, but that's besides the point.

One does not simply quit smoking – Boromir, son of Denethor II

So why am I not currently I happy non-smoker, then (in theory I am, in fact, already a happy non-smoker since I haven't smoked in 15 hours)? Because quitting smoking was too easy. I didn't have to put ANY effort in it whatsoever, so after a couple of weeks of being a happy non-smoker I started thinking: Fuck it! If it was this easy to quit, I might as well start again and quit later. Ha. God. The LOGIC of that statement! That is, however, the logic behind me not being able to quit for all this time.

But now I've really had it. Smoking sickens me and I hate myself when I give in to my nicotine craving. I'm DONE. I don't care HOW fabulous I look when I smoke and how celestially elegant my smoke rings are, I SHALL NOT SMOKE ANOTHER CIGARETTE again in my entire life. That's that. This time I'm bringing out the big guns. Here's my plan:

I'll listen to my quitting-smoking hypnosis everyday for three weeks straight. I'll visualise myself as a happy non-smoker as many times a day as possible. I'll make a pros- & cons list. I'll apply all the self-discipline in the world (I meditate twice a day, I workout six times a week, I study several hours a day, I don't eat carbs – if you look up "self-discipline" in a dictionary there's a picture of me giving you the finger). I'll reward my progress. I'll bloody blog about it all. I'll identify my subconscious fears and concerns. I'll do everything I can do and failure is not an option.

Pros

・Will finally accomplish something that I've been trying "hard" to accomplish for years

・Less panic attacks (hopefully no panic attacks at all)

・Perfect skin

・The satisfaction of being able to say things like: "I haven't smoked in years" or "Ah, I can't believe that you still smoke; that's so last year!" or "Non-smoking is the new black, baby!"

・No more nicotine cravings EVEN while drinking

・Better self-esteem (as quitting will prove to me that I'm not actually a worthless human being)

・Optimal health

・Becoming better at pilates and thus beating them middle-aged housewives at pilates class (God. This alone kind of makes quitting smoking worthwhile)

・Having more energy

・Getting one step closer to having a six-pack come summer 2012 (seeing as I'll have more energy to workout. Not that I don't workout almost every day already, but...)

・Being able to sing high notes again (note: I didn't say I'd sing them in tune or anything)

・Smelling better

・Harder erection (seriously?)

・Oh, and not getting cancer. Fuck – I almost forgot about that minor detail...

・No more cold hands

・More pocket money. Well, no. I live in China...

Cons

・My dream of sitting at a café in Paris, drinking red wine and smoking cigarettes out of an extremely long cigarette holder kind of goes up in smoke (ha)

・I'll have to stop glorifying smoking and smokers (and that would probably mean that I should stop adoring Kate Moss as much as I do)

・Won't get that sexy, mysterious, husky, I-lived-in-a-trailer-parc-all-my-life-and-smoked-2-packs-of-cigarettes-a-day voice (I'm not being sarcastic – this actually saddens me greatly)

・I'll have to stop insisting on having a French balcony dedicated to smoking in my future upper-east side apartment

・Will run out of the I'm-going-for-a-cigarette-so-screw-you excuse for not talking to boring people at parties

・I'd have to think of something else to mix my you-know-what with

・I'd become a little less fabulous (hmm. Maybe not. How fabulous is emphysema, really?)

・I will have to endure the physical feeling of emptiness during the withdrawal period

・I will have to put some real effort into quitting

Well, the pros quite evidently outweighs the cons, but the sitting-at-a-café-in-Paris-chain-smoking-and-drinking-red-wine one is a heavy one. Ugh. I guess I will have to start altering my life-long fantasy and, hopefully, sometime in the continuum of my remaining days on earth I will be successful. Fuck. Why did I spend my teen years dreaming about a stupid cigarette holder when I could have dwelled upon the theory of relativity or something similar?

Subconscious concerns

Ah, the subconscious! This intangible, sometimes oh-so-beautiful, yet sometimes very annoying, thing that governs EVERYTHING one does. What to do with it? Well, I've got to get it working for me instead of against me. And one way of doing that is to shed some light upon what specific concerns or fears that lurk in there. OK, so let's explore some unpleasant thoughts regarding quitting smoking:

・I can't do it!!! AAAAAH! I've tried so many times, why would I be successful this time?

・Life will become boring without cigarettes. God. I'll have to talk to boring people. Wouldn't I rather die?

・I'll gain weight. Fuck. I won't be able to say what I said last night: "If everybody in here were as fit as I am, it wouldn't be half as crowded and unbearable in here!"

・People will judge me if I fail

・Why bother? It's 2012 and life ends on the 21st of December anyway

・Cigarettes become gay men

・I'll miss out on a potential chance of finding the love of my life (if he's a smoker)

・Maybe I just have an addictive personality. My grandfather smoked...

・Patsy smokes a lot and SHE'S fine!

That's all for today. Cheers to that!