The stupid American.

Americans are stupid. There; I said it and I stand for it. Of course not ALL Americans are stupid, but writing out of my own experience – and I can but write out of my own experience – most Americans are far from clever. This standpoint, this little view of mine, is based on the not so few Americans I've had the pleasure of meeting in my life (so far). The reason I'll soon be ranting about Americans while in the People's Republic of China (thank fuck for being in a country where Americans are regarded as something as equally desirable as the plague and premature aging) is simple: the other day I had the pleasure of meeting one of the most delightful little human beings ever to walk the surface of the earth and it so happened to be that he was American. UNITED! In God We Trust. Star spangled banner. WAR! Amen.

For convenience, I'll start by naming the little fellow; let's call him: Adam (for I am God and mankind is my creation). "Flaming" doesn't even begin to describe Adam – even Japanese people (however blissfully ignorant and indifferent to the world that surrounds them they might be) would have a hard time thinking he was straight. I mean, he's one of those boys who make Elton John look straight. Not there there's anything wrong about being flaming if that's truly how the Lord all mighty made thee, but there's a limit to everything and nobody is that queer; period. Anygays, he's gay as fuck, alright?

I ran (I didn't really run; I sort of trotted) into him at a gay club and seeing as I'm something close to friends with his friend, we started talking. My first thought upon the opening of his mouth was, obviously: "Fuck. Another stupid American. Sub sole nihil novi est!" And yes, I sometimes think in Latin; I am fabulous like that. Right, so nothing he said interested me the slightest – hell, I almost crucified myself out of pure boredom, but I decided against the idea mainly because I haven't finished re-reading the Trial – but I still decided to listen to the poor little thing mostly out of pity, but partly to amuse myself; you see, I, on occasion, find it somewhat amusing talking to stupid people just so I can feel good about myself. Ha.

After about half an hour of lethal boredom – and I might add that we were completely besieged by ugly people; thus there was no escape route in sight – I said that I wanted to leave. "Are you taking the subway" he asked, quite sincerely, whereupon I laughed and replied that I was (make that: am) a little bit too fabulous to even consider taking the subway. "OK, taxi it is" he replied (it had, in hindsight rather unfortunately, turned out that we lived somewhat close to each other). Reluctantly I agreed to share a cab with Adam and his friend and off we went.

Here my memory gets rather nebulous – at this point, I wasn't quite my most exuberant self to say the least. What I do remember is that Adam and his friend were discussing something and all of a sudden I joined the conversation and said something about Americans being stupid. Then all hell (bless me father, for I have sinned) broke loose: Adam went absolutely berserk.

– Stupid!? Americans are stupid? Is that what you're saying?

– Yes, it appears that that is what I was saying; I cannot seem to remember properly...

– Americans aren't stupid! American citizens have won the Nobel prize!

– Alfred Nobel was a Swede and we created the Nobel prize...

– Americans have invented stuff!

– So have people from other nations. Besides, in your extremely long history of about 200 years you've already managed to go to war with more or less the whole world. Kudos to you, lover!

– Fuck you! FUCK YOU! I hate people who say that Americans are stupid; I think you should get out of the taxi.

– With pleasure, darling. I'm anything but keen on sharing taxis with people who lack even the tiniest modicum of intelligence; in fact, that's one of my most pivotal principles: don't share taxis with idiots.

The thing was this: we were still on the highway and it would be at least another 20 minutes until we got off it. "Fuck it", I thought to myself, and said: "let me get off then, lover!", whereupon Adam told the taxidriver – in his heinous-sounding version of Mandarin Chinese – to stop. "Huh", replied the driver. "Please stop and let me out", I said to him (in perfectly understandable Mandarin Chinese). Ha. My heart smiled. You're so out of you're league, cunt! I thought.

So I slammed the door, screaming: "You really proved your point; Americans aren't stupid at all" and off into the night I went. 20 minutes later I was in a different cab with only my own fabulousness – which was quite enough – to keep me company. I made it home safely, and that was the end of that story (it has, quite evidently, undergone some slight changes to my own personal advantage, but that's my right as a writer and right-doer by god).

Touché!